Your team: Miami Dolphinshttp://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks ... 1214426912
Your 2012 record: 7-9. Wow, they won seven games? That's actually kind of impressive.
Your coach: Joe Philbin, who looks like a lobbyist for the corn industry. Your offensive coordinator is Mike Sherman. If your passing game is clicking, Mike Sherman will run. If your running game is clicking, Mike Sherman will pass. And if both are clicking, Mike Sherman will elect to punt. Keeps the defense on their toes. I can't imagine how much collective sleep Dolphins players get in meetings whenever Sherman and Philbin take the mic.
Please note that the Dolphins have changed their uniforms this season. They now look like a team from a videogame that forgot to secure licensing rights from NFL Properties. It's South Florida versus Boston in the Big Game, only on Sega Pro Football!
Your quarterback: Ryan Tannehill, who takes over the BRO I'D CRUSH HIS WIFE BRO mantle now that Brodie Croyle is out of football. Andrew Luck and RG3 were both historically great rookie quarterbacks. And then there's Tannehill, the kind of quarterback who gets drafted in the first round because a team needs a quarterback and reaches for one because they're terrified of not finding one in the second or third round. So... YAY.
Tannehill finished last season on a "hot streak," if you count throwing four touchdowns against Buffalo and Jacksonville a hot streak (I do not). He also lost his best running back and his left tackle this offseason. And his new tight end (who kinda sucked) is out for the year. WHAT A BRIGHT FUTURE THIS YOUNG MAN HAS.
Your fantasy player everyone will hate: Mike Wallace. The Dolphins handed Wallace $30 million in guarantees this offseason. That's $30 million for a dude who couldn't even break 1,000 yards last season. He tanked BEFORE he got his contract, DeSean Jackson-style. Not since Albert Haynesworth has the entire world seen a free agent bust coming from so far away. I expect Wallace to order a pizza on the field by Week 4.
Why your team sucks: $146 million. That's how much the Dolphins spent collectively this offseason on free agent contracts. And yet, does anything about this team strike fear in your heart? At least when the Eagles splurged for Jason Babin and Nnamdi a couple years back, they gave off the illusion of vast improvement. Never has one team spent so much to remain so thoroughly underwhelming.
Here are the players that are costing Miami all that money: Wallace (sucks), WR Brandon Gibson (a Rams castoff, sucks), CB Brent Grimes (coming off a torn Achilles), Keller (already done for the year), WR Brian Hartline (poor man's Brandon Stokely who is himself a poor man's Wes Welker), LB Dannell Ellerbe (proto-typical Super Bowl participant free agent cashing in), SS Chris Clemons, and backup QB Matt Moore (TRIPLE sucks). That's what $146 million bought you, Dolphins fans. Add up those seven players and you roughly 1/12th the physical ability of LeBron James. That's a hefty price to pay to get skullfucked by New England for the next four years.
Why your team doesn't suck: Oh my God, the Jets and Bills are #@&% disasters. Compared to them, the Dolphins look like the Yankees. Sometimes, it's nice to know you can't possibly be the worst. You can be bad, but at least Jeff Tuel won't be deployed.
Man I'm sorry but the first paragraph about Philbin and Sherman is hilarious.